I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
