Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
