last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
