the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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