I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
