we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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