they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
