Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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