some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
