i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
