i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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