i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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