I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
