I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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