All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
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Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
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Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I am naked and annoyed.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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