I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
