Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
