I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
