That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
