his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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