Don't make out with my wife yet
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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