i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
