have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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