I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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