i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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