Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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