The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
