dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
