ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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