Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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