somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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