i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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