Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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