yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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