It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
