Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
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In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
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I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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