A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
