1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
