Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
