I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
