Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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