i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
two words...techno handjob
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
