I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
