update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
