If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
