he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I met the friendliest cop last night
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
