Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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