the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
