you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
