he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
