I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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