i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
