Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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