i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
