it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
