I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
