Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
